Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
