I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
