Do you still have your period?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
