Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
worst night to have a conscience
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
