If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
