OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
