I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
