i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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