I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
