So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
