I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
