i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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