god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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