imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
