"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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