I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
