K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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