I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
