if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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