i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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