Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
