i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
