Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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