Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
