why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
