mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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