I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
