So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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