she was so not down for the gang bang
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
