I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
