The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I need a beard to bite.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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