dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
