My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
