I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
