I will die if light touches me.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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