apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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