by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
