I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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