I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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