We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
