I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
