i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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