I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
