I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
