The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
