the condom got lost in my hair
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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