Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Randomize
