She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
