Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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