ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
